New Parents Are Googling the Weirdest Questions

New parents conduct twice as many Google searches as non-parents. That’s a lot of wondering. So, what questions do these rookie parents need answered?

While many of these searches are sure to be about serious parenting topics, a bunch of them are crazy questions that are surely the result of many (many) sleep-deprived nights. And we wouldn’t have it any other way. Hopefully, in the light of day and perhaps after a good latte and a nice long nap, these parents came to their senses and abandoned these kooky questions.

We’ll never know, but we can’t let that stop us from having a good laugh at the crazy questions these distraught new parents are Googling. And thanks to Google Trends and Autocomplete, there’s no shortage of material.

Why does my baby stare at me?

OK, well, we have some questions for you. Paranoid much, guys? Would you prefer your baby never looked at you? How exactly are you defining staring?

Why does my baby hate me?

The cheeky baby above may or may not be giving you the finger, but chin up, we’re sure your baby doesn’t hate you. Moms, we know your hormones are raging, but calm yourself. Get a grip.

Is my baby seeing ghosts?

We’re really intrigued now. What was your baby doing that led you to wonder whether or not they’re seeing ghosts? Also, what would you do if the answer is yes? Hire a priest? Move? Maybe some things are just better left a mystery.

Is my baby happy?

Your baby has it made: a nice meal every couple of hours, a warm squishy parent (or caregiver, or crib — semantics, we know there’s something comfy) to nap on, someone to jump to their needs every time they open their wee little mouths. Trust us.

Why doesn’t my baby sleep through the night?

Why are the clouds fluffy? You made it all through life and gestation without realizing that babies don’t sleep through the night? Babies need to eat almost constantly; they require a lot of comforting and reassuring; they may be teething; they may need a more consistent schedule — there are tons of reasons your little bundle of tears, er … joy, may be waking up. It’s (usually) normal. Unfortunately, asking the Interwebs won’t speed the timeline up at all.

Why does my baby grunt?

Um, not to be indelicate here, but your baby is probably pooping. Is that grunting paired with anything else, like perhaps a slightly flushed, scrunched-up face and a decidedly unpleasant aroma? Yes? Oh, well, glad we could crack the code for you.

Why does my baby drool so much?

It’s … because … seriously?! It’s a baby! It hasn’t quite gotten the hang of swallowing and fully controlling its mouth yet. If your baby is a little older, chances are they’re teething.

Why is my baby crying?

We’re getting a little worried over here. Babies cry. It’s what they do. It’s how the tiny humans communicate with the giant humans. We could understand if this question had a caveat, like, “Why is my baby crying at the exact same time every Tuesday?” That would actually be pretty impressive. If any of you have a baby that does this, please let us know!

Why is my baby’s poop (insert color)?

Finally — a question that is totally reasonable and understandable! Baby poop really runs the gamut of color and consistency. How fun. More often than not, what you’re seeing is totes normal. We feel you, and if checking keeps you from freaking out, then Google away!

How do I know if my baby is a genius?

You’re not going to love this, but your baby is probably pretty regular. We know, we know, they did XYZ at an accelerated rate so clearly they are developmentally advanced. Nope, still regular. But, it doesn’t have to stay that way. There are some things you can do to try and raise your child to be genius. Give it a shot. Let us know how that works out.

Have you heard other crazy questions from new moms and dads? Let us know, and don’t forget to SHARE with your friends who need a good chuckle today.